“Should I wait … will he/she return??”

This is one of the most heart breaking questions anyone ever asks… poignant, earnest, and sadly hopeful. It doesn’t sound like a biggie does it? But the depth of meaning behind this simple question is incredible.

Within it lie so many feelings, hopes, and fears… “should I wait?” can be understood as:

  • Is there any hope left? Can I please, please hold on to my hopes and dreams?
  • Can I still believe that there is a chance for my love to work out?
  • Does my heart need to break? Do I really have to open myself to this suffering?
  • Are they just having a ”moment” and will change their minds?
  • Must I begin grieving for this?
  • Do I have to accept this as a reality?
  • Have they really gone and left me? Am I really alone?
  • I am scared I will not be able to handle the pain I am going to feel?
  • I do not know how to live without them?
  • Will I be alone forever?
  • Will love ever return to my life…?

Many people in their attempt to avoid the above scenario, hold on firmly to the notion that “yes he/she will return to you.”  The problem with this, even if it is in fact true, is that by refusing to enter into the aftermath of a relationship breakdown, means that you don’t grow or evolve. Yes you may bypass a lot of the pain, and probably replace it with a great deal of anxiety instead, but you also miss the chance to re-evaluate yourself, your partner, your needs and expectations for the future. Essentially, you put yourself into limbo.

When you put yourself “on-hold” waiting for someone to return to you, your life path changes course. You’ve put on blinders and are refusing to live within the reality of your circumstances. Instead, you are living within your projected dreams and imagination. As you continue on this path, you will develop an increasingly intense need for the one you are focused on to return to you.  Your life becomes sad, as the one thing you are always thinking about is isolating you from developing other relationships and you are spending more time alone. The anxiety builds and builds.

A frequent result of this anxiety is self sabotaging behaviour. Taking risks,  and doing things you normally wouldn’t do, to attract the attention of the object of your love. You want to hurry them back to you and all seems reasonable in the pursuit of this objective. Essentially, you are trying to force and control love, something you are unable to do, and it’s tearing your soul apart. You are in this behaviour amplifying all the hurt, pain and suffering you were initially trying to avoid.

So listen to this advice, it’s some of the best I have; “it’s never okay to put your life on hold for anyone. It’s never okay to give yourself permission to stop living your life. It’s never okay to allow yourself to ignore the reality of your circumstances and focus on a someday in the future scenario at the expense of all else.”

When your choice is to ‘put yourself on hold and wait’ you are essentially giving up the only control over anything, or anyone that you ever had, yourself. You have made yourself dependent on the future choices of another.  In so doing you have put you into a state of anxiety; truly there is nothing more disempowering than putting yourself into a position where your happiness, sense of self, and reality depend on the choices made by someone you have no control over. It’s not healthy, it damages your psyche, heart, mind and spirit.
The answer, then, is ‘No’. It’s not okay to wait, and no – you shouldn’t wait.  Any lover or soul mate who actually is by measure of their love and positive intent towards you, worthy o being waited for, will in fact not need you to do so. I’m not trying to be ambiguous here – it’s just that a true soulmate, one that really is intended for us, will catch up with us no matter what. They will be able to scale your walls, and get through your layers of self-protection – that is what soulmates are all about. They are meant for you, and have a role to play in your life, and their connection to you along with universal design will ensure this happens as it is supposed to. And if it does not happen, serious question has to be given to whether this person was in fact a soulmate at all.

Oh and for those of you who want to ask, “And what if I’ve moved on when they come back, and it wrecks everything?” The answer is the same as above :) .

To find love again, with a new person, is not a compromise in any way at all. What it means is that the new person has offered you something beyond that which you were previously offered. They had to surpass the love of your past, they had to prove themselves more than this person whom you longed for. And along with that, they also had to bring you healing and new hope. It’s the only reason that they were able to persuade you to open your heart again.