If you’re hurting right now, not sure how you’re going to recover or what the future could hold for you, and feeling overall emotionally devastated, than this is for you. The help you need to start moving forward with your life is here. Over the last few days I’ve been encountering the same question over and over again from people facing traumatic events in their lives that have left them feeling broken and hurt; “how do I let go and get past feeling this way?” and, “how do I move on?”
Unfortunately, there’s no magic fix, and my heart really goes out to all of you feeling ‘stuck’ because I truly do know how awful this feels. It’s an ongoing state of pain that really feels like it will never ever end or let go of your heart.
Whilst there is no quick-fix solution to getting over it, there are things you can do that will help you make progress. These include:
- Accepting your reality
- Taking responsibility
- Committing to healing
The first thing you need to do is be very honest with yourself and really accept the reality of your circumstances. Yes, it is hard, but this is your life and it is real, and for the sake of your emotional and mental health you have to acknowledge the pain you are in and how difficult it is for you.
Stop escaping into daydreams and fantasies about the “what could have been?,” and give up the “what if this isn’t real, hadn’t happened, will change drastically,” merry-go-round too, they just don’t help your cause. When you escape in daydreams the only thing that happens is that more problems are created. These include: loneliness, isolation, poor productivity, social and workplace performance issues, and so on. All of which just serve to compound your self-directed negative feelings. Accept that ignoring your reality will not work.
So on the positive side, whether you’ve just experienced the loss of a loved one, a personal betrayal, a heart-break, a financial crisis or other, do realise that you have survived. You are here and in the “now” and thinking about it.
The experience is past. It is the grief that is present. The fact that you are able to think about what has happened to you, means you have survived it and that you are stronger than that experience, for you are still here. Remember, that anything that you can ‘think’ about, is something you have survived. Take this knowledge and affirm yourself, for this is a great step forward in “letting-go”.
Ask yourself what was your part in all this, how did you contribute? Unless it was a natural disaster, an “act of god”, or you were the victim of a crime, you will have had a hand in this course of events. Whether it happened because you ignored the warning signs, were blinded by love, chose to “believe” things would be okay, or handled things in a poor or reactionary way, you have played a part. Recovery requires that you ‘own’ it.
Owning it means seeing how you brought it into your life which is hard to do whilst you’re in great pain. However, doing so will put you back in control and the problem or other person is not. You seriously need to remember that you are the creator of your reality and as such you have to accept ownership, it is the golden rule of recovering
When you accept that you helped create ‘this’, then you feel safer in the knowledge that you will never again experience it. You’ve learnt a lesson. You are wiser and stronger than before. This thought process also empowers you to see that as you are in control of your life, and your choices do create your reality, you can build a reality going forward that is exactly as you wish it to be. In this process we have mastered our situation, we have disempowered the problem and reasserted ourselves..
So, now that you are responsible, empowered, clear thinking and accepting, please forgive yourself for being “here” in the first place. You really are a good person, you are not stupid, or naïve. You just happened to choose to see the best in a situation or person where it was unwarranted. And frankly in doing so you demonstrated what humanity is meant to be all about. In truth if the world was full of people like you, with big hearts like yours, it would be a better place. So please, no more self-flagellation necessary… take the lesson and the value from the experience and move forward.
Commit to Healing
In the letting go of daydreams and “hopes” reality is faced. We have to plant our feet firmly on the ground and see what “is”. As empty and sad as that may feel, it is a big step forward in healing. Life gives you no choice but to move on. Remember this. For if there is no choice, and you must move forward it only makes sense to do this in the best possible way forward for your own personal happiness and well-being.
I think it’s a really important concept to wrap our minds around. There is no alternative, this is reality, and we are going to keep living in it. Escaping, daydreaming, what-ifs? They don’t help us here, they hurt us. Your life is going to go on, there’s only one option – learn how to move on. There’s no choice, so it really only makes sense to get through this in the least amount of time, and in the most healing manner possible
Small things help.
Work at seeing yourself in a happier future, and know that the choices you now make are what will lead you there. Remind yourself that you are going to be pro-active in chosing your life, you are not going to leave it to ‘fate’ and you are not going to hide in your daydreams any longer. You have survived everything the universe has thrown at you, and you’re still here, in one piece, you will make it. Now we come to forgiveness and no, I’m not going to get all holier than thou here. I do not see forgiveness as being about the absolution of the other person at all, its got nothing to do with relieving blame or guilt.
Forgiveness in my mind is really about deciding that you will let go of your anger. The only reason you do this is because it helps you heal, and it is personal empowering. Forgiveness in this light then allows you to see that you are stronger than the difficulties you have faced and will be stronger than the ones to come. Forgiveness enables you to move on with your life, and to stop spending every day with the memory of the person that has hurt you. Next you need to try to start seeing a future for yourself again. Find some aspects of life that bring joy. Even if they are tiny little things. Things like walking your dog, or noticing the change of the season, or the feeling of the sun on your back. Start small if you need to… Look for opportunities to bring yourself some happiness, planning a trip, seeing a friend. If all of that is not working, go and be of service to another. Help others and be a volunteer. It will give you a sense of purpose and help rebuild your self-esteem
Also, do go back in time to when you were happier and remember what you used to do. Force yourself to try those things again, not just once, but a few times, and see how you begin to reconnect with the old you. Feeling better, recovering, isn’t a magical thing, it’s a work in process and something you have to actively commit to in order to heal.
Lastly, remember, healing is a verb. Letting-go is a verb, forgiveness is a verb. They don’t just happen, you have to make them happen… xx
Amber | www.intothesoul.com