Sometimes the charm of a narcissist inhibits you from seeing their narcissism. When you first met your heir spouse, there was something about them that was enticing. There was what seemed like an irresistible pull to someone who perfectly matched your needs and wants, it seemed a match made in heaven. However, the fairy tale engagement and marriage came to an abrupt halt the day you walked down the aisle.
The narcissistic spouse said you had changed and you believed your spouse. So desperate to return back to the fairy tale, you became whatever your narcissist demanded. But it was not enough. The more you acquiesced, the more ultimatums surfaced.
Narcissistic Charm
Desperate to find another solution, you finally begin to look at your spouse’s behavior. Could they be narcissistic? What does a narcissistic spouse even look like? Here are some signals to look out for. Does your spouse …
- Expects you to meet their needs at all times? You are required to anticipate what, how, and when they need admiration and adoration. This is a one-way street where you give, they take but they don’t give in return.
- Projects their negative characteristics onto you? They say you are needy, never satisfied, ungrateful for all they do, and have unreasonable expectations. Yet your friends and family have not verbalized any such complaints about you.
- Get jealous of anyone or thing that has your attention over them? This includes children, pets, friends, family and occupation. Their jealousy triggers intense rage and sometimes violence for which you are subsequently blamed.
- Provoke you to leave by being cruel during an argument? This accomplishes two things: it verifies that you will in fact one day abandon them and it sets the narcissist up to be the victim. Either way, the narcissist has gained more ammunition to use against you.
- Punish you with abuse or neglect? The abuse can be physical, emotional, financial, sexual, or psychological. Or they will withhold love, attention, support, and communication. There is nothing unconditional about their love, it is very performance driven.
- Threaten abandonment if you don’t comply with their wishes? Most likely, you have abandonment issues, which is why the narcissist targeted you for marriage in the first place. Your fear of abandonment will keep you in the relationship longer.
- Uses remorse as a manipulation tool? Real remorse takes time to implement in order for trust to be regained. The narcissist will expect an immediate return to the same level of trust as before.
Once you identify your spouse as a narcissist, you need to learn about the disorder. This is not a situation where you can go at it alone. You will need professional support from a third party to assist you in handling your spouse – whether that be aiding a healing process, or leaving as amicably as possible.
republished with thanks to PsychCentral.com