Finding real love – Three Steps that will work.

Feeling the love

Admit it. How much are you judging them? How much do you want them to be different from the way they are?

If you want to feel loved, you have to LOVE.

And you have to love honestly, humbly, and fully (even when they don’t do something the way you would).

There are so many different things you could find to love about the people that cross your path each day, that it’s actually quite mind-blowing. Really, it is. The truth is, that every single one of them has many great qualities, lots of loveable quirks a beating heart and a sense of humour – in other words a lot to love.

But if you aren’t feeling ”the love”,  and you aren’t feeling loved either, it’s got a hell of a lot to do with the fact that you’re not looking for what you can love about others. (you’re seeing the ”other stuff” – that doesn’t help you!!)

Don’t use this as a reason to think you’re a failure. If you blame yourself or beat yourself up for your shortcomings, that’s not finding things to love about others. Just find things to love about others. That’s it.

Being the Love

Yes of course you’ve heard this before. I know you have. I know you know, in theory at least anyway that deep down that self-love trumps “getting the love” and approval of someone else by far… in theory and self-help psychology anyway. But there are moments when you not only forget this, but also find it to feel rather hollow and bleak, and you just can’t sell it to yourself.

In those moments, remember this, and do this, it will save your heart:

  • Make a list of what you love about others.
  • Why are they amazing?
  • Why do you admire them?
  • Write the love letter of your life to someone you think is just totally awesome.
  • Then … admit this: You cannot recognize something you don’t have.
  • Everyone in your world is a reflection of you. Sit quietly until you can admit that YOU are just as amazing. Don’t be cavalier about it. Be real. Find examples and prove it to yourself. Sit until you feel the spark of willingness to admit that you have the qualities you love and admire in others. So of course you would love yourself.

This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. How many people do you love who aren’t always living as the highest version of themselves? If you can love them, you can love you. So stop making such a big deal about their and  your supposed mistakes or shortcomings, let it go, it doesn’t help you. It makes you miserable. Really, just stop.

Love being Loved (reciprocating)

Yes, if you want someone to love you, you have to let them. Love them, love yourself enough to know you are worthy, and then be completely vulnerable. Without those things, they can love you more than anything on earth and you won’t feel it. Or trust it.

Also, let them love you in unconscious ways. You know how poorly you sometimes treat the people you love the most? It’s because deep down you trust them enough to keep loving you, even at your worst. Sometimes we show how much we love someone by trusting that they will love us even at our worst. I’m not advocating that this is ideal, but it definitely happens. And if you can’t help doing this, don’t expect the people you love to be able to help it either. Let them love you by not being perfect or by not always knowing the right thing to do or say. Because this is their vulnerability talking, this is them showing you their dark side and asking you to love them anyway.

If you tap into your limitless capacity to love others unconditionally; if you love yourself because you are a real, authentic, perfectly imperfect  human being with a heart of gold; and if you allow yourself to be loved by people however they know how to love you … then you will feel love coming at you from every direction … it’s really truly true. I thank Cori Martinez, so much for opening my eyes to this way of viewing love…