toxic shame

Unlike ordinary shame, “internalized shame” hangs around and alters our self-image. It generally lies beneath our conscious awareness, but can easily be triggered, for some it is the underlying theme upon which their entire identity is built - a shame-based identity. Characteristics of Toxic Shame Toxic shame differs from ordinary shame, which passes in a day or a few hours, in the following respects: It can hide in our unconscious, so that we’re unaware that we have shame. When we experience shame, it lasts much longer. The feelings and pain associated with shame are of greater intensity. An external event isn’t required to trigger it. Our own thoughts can bring on feelings of shame. It leads to shame spirals that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair. It causes chronic “shame anxiety” — the fear of experiencing shame. It’s accompanied by voices, images, or beliefs originating in childhood and is associated with a negative “shame story” about ourselves. We needn’t recall the original source of the immediate shame, which usually originated in childhood or a prior trauma. It creates deep feelings of inadequacy. Shame-Based Beliefs The fundamental belief underlying shame is that “I’m unlovable — not worthy of connection.” Usually, internalized shame manifests as one of the following beliefs or a variation thereof: I’m stupid. I’m unattractive (especially to a romantic partner). I’m a